


The Matter With Your Head

by DoreyG



Series: Fooling Around (and Falling in Love) [1]
Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Alternate Universe - Daemons, Awkward Conversations, Awkward state of existence really, Daemons, Denial of Feelings, Gen, Inappropriate touching, M/M, Pre-Slash, Set around series IV, sniping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2014-10-22
Packaged: 2018-02-22 04:17:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2494133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoreyG/pseuds/DoreyG
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I mean that they’re touching each other,” he snipes, a barely invisible twitch starting on his cheek – the kind of movement that makes him resemble his daemon, in moments of extreme agitation, “which is exactly what I said. I mean that our daemons, your big galumphing one and my perfectly elegant one, are <i>touching</i> each other.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Matter With Your Head

“Lister,” he’s woken up at god knows what hour of the morning by a low hiss in his ear, a sudden shaking of his bunk that leaves him dazed and scrambling, “ _Lister_.”

“Mwuuurgh?”

“Get up,” a brief pause, a vague patter of footsteps and then an _extreme_ increase in the shaking – so hard that he bolts upright and almost brains himself on the ceiling, “something terrible is happening. Get _up_.”

“ _Mwurrrrgh_ ,” he repeats, with an extra bit of irritation because _smeg_ , and swings his legs sideways – almost kicks Rimmer, always fucking _Rimmer_ , in the nose in a petty sort of revenge, “whatsit? Asteroid belt? GELF? GELF controlled asteroid belt?”

“ _Worse_ ,” Rimmer hisses, somehow managing to step back at just the last moment with that prissy expression that always makes him want to _strangle_ something, “it’s our daemons-“

“Have they been possessed by the GELF controlled asteroid belt?”

“-They’re _touching_ each other.”

…He very decisively, and with great thought given to the matter, falls out of his bunk and lands on the floor in a tangle of _extremely_ painful limbs.

“I told you,” Rimmer’s feet say triumphantly, dancing just to the corner of his vision in a way that makes his eyesight somehow go more blurry than it already is, “I _told_ you it was terrible. But did you listen? Did you pay the slightest bit of attention to me? Did you care even the tiniest bit about this catastrophe? _No_ -!”

“Shut up,” he wheezes, briefly pauses to untangle himself and then rises like… A beached, elderly walrus but he’s come to terms with that thank you very much and he’s _not_ going to let it interfere with this moment of pure and utter confusion, “ _what_?”

“…Well, if you hadn’t told me to shut up you would-“

“Shut _up_ ,” he repeats, and slowly reaches up a hand to rub at his head – it comes away sticky but, again, he’s come to terms with that and he’s _dealing_ , “what do you _mean_ that our daemons are touching each other?”

Rimmer glowers for a moment. So uptight that, as ever, he looks like he’s hovering several inches above the ground.

“ _Rimmer_.”

“I mean that they’re touching each other,” he snipes, a barely invisible twitch starting on his cheek – the kind of movement that makes him resemble his daemon, in moments of extreme agitation, “which is exactly what I said. I mean that our daemons, your big galumphing one and my perfectly elegant one, are _touching_ each other.”

“A water shrew is not elegant, Rimmer,” he says automatically in response. But does, at least, manage to move on before they can surge into that old argument that always has Kryten looking confused and Cat looking _bored_ , “and I don’t believe you.”

“More elegant than an Orangutan at any- What do you _mean_ that you _don’t believe me_?!”

“That I don’t believe you,” he says, remarkably calmly considering the circumstances and Rimmer’s _face_ (mainly Rimmer’s face, to be honest), “Khissi would never touch your neurotic _shrew_ , and that’s a fact.”

“She is _not_ neurotic-!” Rimmer catches himself, at the last moment. _Obviously_ bites his tongue for a few moments before _ever so reluctantly_ carrying on, “and why would I make it up? Why on _Io_ would I _want_ my darling Lexi to touch your _slob_?”

“She is _not_ a-“ okay, not even _he_ can swing that. He gnaws on his own tongue for another few moments before he can respond, “and I dunno. _Maybe_ \- Possibly- Perhaps…”

Ah.

“ _Hah_!”

 _Maybe_ that wasn’t the best of starts.

“I dunno,” he grunts, and tries to ignore Rimmer’s stupid smug face as much as humanly possible, “but I _do_ know that my _lovely_ Khissi would never even want to _look_ at Lexi-“

“Don’t call her that!” Rimmer _immediately_ snaps, face going from serenely smug to redly irritated in _record_ time.

“Why not?” He asks, sniffing a hugely angry sort of sniff and glaring an _entirely justified_ sort of glare. The temptation to just give up and fling himself on Rimmer’s bed, as some sort of challenge mixed in with an extremely profound insult that he’s going to think of later, is almost too hard to resist, “Why _not_ , Rimmer? Her full name is far too complicated anyway-“

“It is _not_!” Rimmer squawks, doing pretty much the worst job _ever_ of sounding even the slightest bit convincing, “Alexiannadriana is a perfectly _normal_ -“

“You call her Lexi!”

“In private-!”

“And _Khissi_ calls her Lexi!”

“ _In_ \- What?”

… _Huh_.

They stare at each other in silence. Rimmer’s jaw slowly unhinges, until he half feels the urge to suggest a quick trip to the ship’s medical officer and a nice lie down. His mind gradually starts to unravel itself and pack its things, determined to edge slowly out of the back door as he stares into space.

“… _What_?” Rimmer repeats eventually, his jaw slowly closing itself with an audible _click_.

“You didn’t know?” he asks casually, watching his brain cheerily whistling its way towards that back door with an amount of calm that probably means that he’s gone into some sort of shock mode.

“Of course not,” Rimmer’s head slowly, slowly shakes from side to side – like it’s developed some sort of mechanical fault or something. It’d be hilarious, in any _normal_ sort of situation, but right now his brain is caressing the knob of the back door with a gentle sort of regret and so the most he can manage is a vague sort of confusion “…She _really_ calls her Lexi?”

“Yup.”

“ _Right_.”

They stare at each other for another long few seconds - Rimmer’s cheek gently twitching again, his brain _briefly_ turning back for a wistful moment but then shrugging cheerily and leaving to go get a curry from some distant shop.

“ _Right_.”

“Indeed!”

“…Er-“

“Now that I think of it,” Rimmer offers, in a voice so absolutely strained that he’s half convinced that the man’s brain has decided to run off with his brain, get that curry and then regret it in several toilets and against several walls for days after, “Lexi always refers to your one as ‘Khissi’ too.”

“So?” He responds quietly, hoping that their brains are having fun without them. They must be, they’re not _here_.

“Her full name is Khissia.”

“Yes…?”

“My father’s daemon was named Napaleanna,” Rimmer offers, and he almost frowns and interrupts before insanity prevails, “up until the last time we saw each other Lexi always referred to her by her full name. Never anything shorter, never anything like a nickname, never anything _fond_ \- always her full name, exactly like that.”

He stares thoughtfully (gawpingly, because what the smeg).

“It’s been the same with everybody she’s met,” Rimmer continues, so calmly that it looks like he’s about to stop straining and start falling into a dead faint at any moment, “whether it be with the captain, or other members of the crew, or friends, Or… Girlfriends?”

He _stares_ thoughtfully (Smeg. Smegsmeg _Smeg_ ).

“…Yes.”

“…Okay,” He answers, in that same fainting voice, and tries a step forward – is somewhat surprised when he doesn’t fall flat on his face and coil up into a quavering ball, “I suppose you should show me this miraculous sight, then. Man.”

Rimmer nods for a moment. Blinks. Stays still until he _very reluctantly_ snorts. And then jerks and coughs and turns on his heel, marches toward the bathroom with legs moving like his brain is still off on that curry night and he’s _really_ trying to hold something in.

They’re in the shower.

“ _Seriously_?”

“ _Shh_!”

The door is cracked, and they’re in the shower, and his eyes are determinedly trying to pop out of his head, and they’re in the shower, and his eyes are trying to commit eyeball suicide because they’re actually _cuddling_. Not just touching, not just slightly brushing, not just pressed awkwardly up against each other - _cuddling_. Lexi coiled up under Khissi’s chin, Khissi’s hand gently cradling the holographic fuzz of Lexi’s body, Lexi’s small claws tangled sleepily through Khissi’s reddish fur, Khissi’s droopy face nodding slowly down towards Lexi’s fluffy cheeks. Cuddling. _Cuddling_.

He stares at them.

He draws back.

…He stares at _Rimmer_.

“Lister,” and the smeghead twitches, and the smeghead shifts, and the smeghead frowns… And turns to face him, “Lister.”

**Author's Note:**

> Notes on the daemons:
> 
> Lister: has a female orangutan (http://www.shutterstock.com/pic-72067702/stock-photo-adult-female-orangutan-sitting-quietly-with-hands-folded.html) named Khissia, but she's referred to as Khissi by pretty much anybody. I could go into a great amount of detail on how orangutans have a reputation as quite a loyal species who will cling to things they like and are basically just a few steps below human (like Lister)... But, honestly, I just saw a picture of an orangutan in an article about primates who throw their poo and went "yes, perfect."  
> Rimmer: has a female eurasian water shrew (http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LDTSgCFVv_Y/UZ0fZM1eOZI/AAAAAAAAZxk/F7v2RCe3bEE/s1600/eurasian+water+shrew.jpg) named Alexiannadriana (after Alexander the Great, because come on), referred to as Lexi by him and... Very few others because she tends to freak out very easily about that. I initially picked a shrew because I wanted something small and neurotic to represent Rimmer's soul, and then I read that the "Eurasian Water Shrew has venomous saliva, although it is not able to puncture the skin of large animals such as humans. Highly territorial, it lives a solitary life" and basically thought that nothing could be more perfect. It doesn't really come up here, but since Rimmer is a hologram Lexi is also one - my reasoning was that she's the representation of his soul, so OF COURSE she'd come back to torture him.
> 
> Kryten and Cat don't appear in this story, BUT neither of them have daemons. Kryten because he's a droid, Cat because cats haven't evolved far enough to have daemons (or he hasn't evolved far enough to have a daemon, same thing).


End file.
